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A few days ago I was eavesdropping on a facebook conversation between some church planting wives that I know.  Well, I say I know them. . .they are my cyber friends, I suppose - great ladies serving God with all their hearts.  The conversation was entitled “spending time with people.”  I found it quite intriguing and wanted to know what you think?

The question was basically this. . .“How do you BE Christ to them (people God places in your path who have lots of needs) and still be able to meet other people and have ministry outside of that one couple?? ”  Again, I thought this was quite appropriate since we have been talking here about nurturing a healthy family and marriage in the middle of starting a church.

Here’s how a bit more of the conversation played out. . .

First, you have to keep your priorities straight, or you are not qualified to help. Hopefully this is a long term relationship where you will walk with them for years, so now is a good time to set some limits for yourself. We try, unless there is a true crisis that needs solving at the moment, to incorporate people into our lives rather than dropping our lives to help. If we are cooking dinner and they show up, they come in and pitch in in the kitchen. If I am helping my kids with homework, they can sit and do homework with us, but I tactfully do not allow them to take over and demand adult conversation.

Also, understand biblically what you are called to do for anyone. It comes from Galatians 6:

Doing Good to All
1Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted.  2Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.  3If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself.  4Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else, 5for each one should carry his own load.

The key verses are 2 and 5. Verse 2: Carry each other’s burdens. Burdens are like a heavy load you would need help carrying. (dictionary.com says “that which is borne with difficulty”)  So, when people have burdens, we help.

But, Verse 5: Each should carry his own load. A load is like a backpack. It’s what we each have each day to carry out. We are not called to help anyone carry that.

My rule of thumb: if it’s a “backpack” situation, I shoot off a quick text to give some encouragement, instruction, or exhortation. If someone shows up at my door with a “backpack” situation, or asks to come over, I either say no or let them in, but go about my routine, fitting in the conversation when I can.

A bad day at work, a disappointing conversation with a family member, hurt feelings, a small fight with a spouse—these are backpack situations, even for a new believer. At appropriate times we can help teach through these kind of things with biblical principles, but we don’t change our schedules to help with these things.

If it’s a “heavy burden” situation, if we can stop and help we do. A 20 minute phone conversation, a meeting in our home once our kids are asleep, and when absolutely needed, I find a quiet task for my kids and have the conversation. A death, a major blow out fight, losing a job, a pregnant teen…these are heavy burdens. If possible we try to meet these needs quickly.

I have learned, the hard way, that we don’t help people in the long run if we carry their backpack for them. We have to teach them how to carry it sometimes, but that can be done more informally—through text, email, or quick phone calls. I also try to schedule time with them that I know is discipleship, where I have intentional conversations in a fun environment.

I have found texting invaluable in this area. When someone calls and I know it’s a bad idea to answer, I can listen to the message and send off a text with concise, godly answers. I have made it a practice to not answer the phone when I am with my hubby, kids in a conversation, so people in the church are accustomed to this type of response.

It’s worth it, we have seen big change in our people. But do not sacrifice your sanity or your family when you don’t need to.

Hope that helps!! (a church planting wife in California)

So what do you think?  At first I thought, wow, that’s tough!  Then I thought, wow, that’s practical!  I bet you think something about it, too.  Would you handle people God has placed in your care differently?  Do these thoughts give you a sigh of relief or do they “rub you the wrong way?”

How do you protect your marriage and family when so many others genuinely need you and seek your counsel?
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posted by Amy Colón
To continue to connect even more, check out the church planting wives group on Facebook