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Typically these days I get up at 5:00am and drag myself to the gym.  I know some amazing men and women who are able to wake up and immediately get on their knees.  Some days that’s me.  A lot of days I’m in such a mental fog that all I can do is get on the elliptical and burn calories to the top news on CNN.  Today was that kind of day.

But I must say that my most favorite way to jump start my day is with God.  I find myself able to focus and connect with Him much better when the world is still quiet.  My current challenge is that this year, when January arrived and new year’s resolutions were the topic of everyone’s conversations, I vowed to join a gym. . .  And yes, I admit, that quickly my typical time of going to Starbucks in the early AM with my Bible, iPod and journal had to be tweaked because there was no way I could possibly get up any earlier to get in a workout AND my God time and still be alive by 2pm.  This has proven to be a challenge.  I messed up my groove once again.  I seem to be the queen of change - of trying something new - of getting bored with routine.  I suppose God knew what he was doing when he called me to be a church planting wife.  I actually like it when no day is the same.  But I must say, the ability to embrace change and movement as the next thrill ride on the journey has it’s advantages AND its disadvantages. 

Some days I find myself envying that person who is so consistent and steady.  I’m steady in a lot of ways, but in a lot of other ways I miss the steady boat completely.  I’m easily distracted.  I’m a thinker.  I’m always intrigued with bettering myself and my family and finding balance in my life, and yet, some days all of my striving is in vain.  Some days I find myself feeling so guilty for all of the things that I don’t do well that I wake up only to realize that I’m doing nothing well at all.  And on those days - like today - I have no doubt that Satan starts to throw a party because of the open door that I tend to give him to mess with me yet again.  I’m great at letting guilt overtake me.

As a church planting wife and just a wife and mom in general, I have a list of all the things that I feel like I want to incorporate regularly into my life in order to be balanced and effective and available to do and be what God wants of me.  I must stay physically fit.  And in turn, this is my personal best way to stay mentally fit.  I must spend time with God regularly, read good books, rest, challenge myself and allow myself to always be in a position of readiness for whatever God might throw my way.  I must move slowly and gently and not over commit my time so that my children and husband get the best of me.  Yet, I must also be aware of others around me that God has placed in my path and invest in them as well.  There are so many other “duties” or “responsibilities” that fill my days, but these are the overarching values that I try to keep intact in the middle of it all.  And though not many, it is an absolute full time job dancing through my days and hoping to stand firm on each and every value.  Many, many days I fail.

And like I said earlier, that is when this ugly monster of guilt creeps in and bears his ugly face.  Have you ever had a day where you have truly accomplished a lot of things that you know were important to you and also to God, and yet because you failed to accomplish everything on your list you feel ashamed and frustrated?  You start making excuses as to why it all didn’t get done, only to find out that no one else cares but you?  So, the bathroom didn’t get cleaned?  No one else even noticed, but because you personally know it didn’t get done and “needed” to be, you feel as if you failed somehow.  This has been my struggle the past 2 years of my life.  This is where Satan is screwing with me.  This is my fight.  I tend to listen to a lot of lies.  Have you ever been there?

And yet, this is what I am learning. . . there is a reality that guilt does not come from God.  My God is a God of freedom.  It’s one of those things we all know to be true.  But until that knowledge finds its way from your head to your heart it means nothing.  For so long I have sung the songs and read the scriptures about freedom in Christ and never allowed them to penetrate my soul.  My list of “to-do’s” and “should’s” and “ought to’s” have burdened me for far too long. 

So today I’m choosing to say, “no.” to the guilt.  Granted, I may pick it back up tomorrow, only to have to throw it off yet again.  But for today, I know that I am doing my best to keep in step with the dance.  I am going to stumble.  I’m not always going to be as graceful as I would like or imagine myself to be.  I may not get the beds made.  I may not make all of the phone calls I should.  Someone may be left in need today because of me.  Someone may get mad.  I may not have a six pack under my belt and for 24 hours my Bible might gather just a bit of dust. . .but I am free. . .and I am dancing. . .and tomorrow I have another shot at doing it all over again.

“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,[a] 2because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death.”  Romans 8:1-2

Church planting wives like me. . .my prayer for you is that you will find rest in the freedom that Christ is offering you today.  It is such a sweet and refreshing gift just for you!
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posted by Amy Colón
To continue to connect even more, check out the church planting wives group on Facebook